Motorist vs Courier ... PM-designate vs outgoing PM?

The photos taken of the confrontation (which might be an understatement) between the bike courier and the dude in the van have been causing quite a stir in the old blog-o-sphere since they were first posted at www.citynoise.org/article/2770 (which I think has since crashed from all the traffic)...over 100,000 hits apparently!

Even the Toronto Star has reported on the fight, giving it first page prominence in today's paper. It's only time before Geraldo and FOX News arrive in Toronto to spin their own coverage of the brawl ("It was an incident of Biblical proportions!" – Geraldo). Be prepared.

However, most people may not be aware that a similar incident occured not hours earlier in Ottawa between Paul Martin and Stephen Harper. Seems Martin was taking one last long goodbye at the Ottawa landscape on his trusty PMO bike (soon to be property of the new PM) when he noticed Stephen Harper throwing campaign promises out of the window of his van.

Martin being against litter and throwing campaign promises out the window, immediately threw the shredded stump speech back into Harper's van, yelling "You're not gonna litter Ottawa with failed promises on my watch, buddy! And it's still, technically speaking, my watch!"

To which Harper replied, "What about the GST, huh? Or the national daycare program? Or the 'democratic deficit' or ...."

That was when Martin took out a marker from his pocket and wrote "Bush ass-kisser" in huge letters on Harper's van. Harper then responded by dumping his can of worms (which was already open) on top of Martin.

Then Harper got out of the van and they both went at it while a crowd of astonished bystanders looked on in apparent shock.

The fight was finally broken up when the pair saw American Ambassador David Wilkins drive by in a tank, headed straight for Parliament Hill.

Knives up, you second-tier socialist losers!

Move over Danson, Selleck and Guttenberg

Mr. Harper Goes To Washington

From the producers of Brokeback Mountain...

The Empire Limps Back?

Since Martin's campaign was a bigger bomb than Ishtar, I present:

Today a cabinet, tomorrow a neo-nation

So today I found out what a shoe tastes like.. Not that great, surprisingly.

Here's my picks for some of President Harper's top positions (others will follow in the coming days):

Finance Minister – Jim Flaherty (Hey, he was pretty good when he was Ontario's finance minister. Remember how while he was finance minister there was NO deficit, but as soon as McGuinty took over, suddently the government was up to their grits in deficit? Doesn't take a fool to realize that it was McGuinty's complete and utter incometence that caused an instant $6 billion deficit the moment he took over. Harper will surely need Flaherty's financial talents to make sure his own government does not face a similar deficit until the next government takes over. Also, Flaherty once infamously quipped that homeless people should be locked up in a jail. Nice guy, huh? Just the type of personality Harper will be looking for when he starts slashing all those "wasteful" social programs that will lead to even more "homeless lazy bums".)

Ambassador to US – Preston Manning (Come on, this one's perfect. Can't you just see Preston and Bush at Bush's ranch, wearing cowboy hats and talkin' oil. I can. Although with his high squeaky voice and glasses, Preston would undoubtably be given some really embarrasing nickname by former frat-boy Bush, something like Squeaky or Geekface. That might not be so good for US-Canadian relations.)

Human Resources Minister – Peter McKay(Giving McKay Belinda's old portfolio would be kinda fitting, in an ironic way I guess. Although, since I blame McKay for destroying the old centrist PC Party in order to create the current unholy alliance with the Reformers, I'd rather see him as Canada's next Ambassador to Bouvet Island.)

UN Ambassador – The choice is quite obvious, isn't it? While I don't think there's any dress code inside the UN chambers, I'm thinking he'll have to leave the wetsuit at home if he wants to be taken seriously. Yes, Stockwell Day, the current CPC Foreign Affairs critic, would be perfect as Harper's new messenger boy to the United Nations. Along with American neo-con Bush attack dog and all around insano John Bolton (who would fast become Day's best friend in the UN, probably his only friend actually), Stock would bring Canada's much tarnished reputation up a few notches with his uncanny conservative wisdom – they can never get enough of that in the Security Council meetings I hear – and sparkling row of pearly whites. And he looks cool in a wetsuit playing watersports. That's sure to impress the ambassador to Chile or Germany, isn't it?

And that leaves, Tony Clement. Yes, Tony Clement. He wanted in so badly that this time, he ended up running in a riding in the middle of nowhere consisting of 21 people who were all related. Coincidentally, he only won his riding by a mere 21 votes. Does that mean he didn't vote for himself? Or maybe he forgot to vote? Let's just give old Tony the benefit of the doubt on this one and say it was the Jones family's dog that voted for the other candidate.

Clement has been mentioned as a candidate for Health Minister, but I'm not so sure. Since Harper will be attempting to dismantle public health care (even with a minority gov. I think he'll still try it), I'm no so sure this portfolio would be able to really make use of Clement's talents for health related issues (I mean, he was such a great minister of health under Mike Harris where he single handedly saved Ontario's health care system and made it into the great marvel that it is today. Did you hear that now only 2 out of 5 patients die while waiting for knee replacements? Before Tony took over, the figure was 4 out of 5 with the fifth usually dying during the procedure.

Where will Clement fit into Harper's plans then, if not Health? What about Environment? I think he'd be perfect. In fact, any former Harris crony would be perfect to replace Stéphane Dion as Minister of the Environment. Just think of all the great Common Sense Revolution ideas about environmental protection a former Harrisite would bring to the talble.

Why there's the myth of water purification, or the fact that pollution is healthy for you. What about the evidence that shows trees are the number one cause of smog? Tony would be just perfect!

Where's Rick Mercer when you need him

This negative ad REALLY goes too far! It's sad when elections come to this sort of flagrant name-calling...I actually phoned the Concerned Canadians Party (CCP) to complain about this newest attack ad, and asked to speak with their leader/founder, Perry Mountford Jr. (a self-described "libertarian socialist") but was told he does not speak to people from Ontario.

Take it from Winston

I think the following quotes from Winston Churchill really sum up what's at stake in tomorrow's election.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."

"To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day."

Both remind me of what's at stake if Harper is given the reigns of our country – a country which he has referred to as a "second-tier socialist country".

And I quote:

"Alberta has opted for the best of Canada's heritage – a combination of American enterprise and individualism.... Canada appears content to become a second-tier socialist country, boasting ever more loudly about its economy and social services to mask its second-rate status."

Opening Soon...

Dr. Strangetory or: How Canadians Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Right

uh...remember, this IS a doomsday movie.

The clock's ticking, eh.

See ya! I'm moving to Sweden.

Slippery when wet

I guess Bon Jovi (or their private pilot, that is) failed to heed their own caution. Yes, apparently they found out that a runway really is "slippery when wet" Saturday when their private jet had some uh... landing trouble at the Hamilton Airport.

Which brings me to my favourite ever Ed The Sock moment (if you're not Canadian and have never heard of Ed The Sock, picture Triumph The Insult Comic Dog from Conan but much meaner and sleazier).

See, if I remember correctly, Ed bumps into Jon Bon Jovi on the street I think.

Ed: So I hear you're in a vampire movie.
Bon Jovie: Yes.
Ed: Guess this will be the first movie you're in where you're supposed to suck!

Drum role!!!!! LOL

Gotta love Ed The Sock. I met him once. Nice sock.

Trickle down economics really trickles up

"Cost of cutting taxes not worth the savings"

Nicely put!

The ghost of Mike Harris rears its waste slashin' little head

Three senior members from former Ontario premier Mike Harris' cabinet are also standing for election. Tony Clement, Jim Flaherty and John Baird all handled major portfolios in the Harris government and will likely do the same in any Harper cabinet if elected.

For anyone that lived through the Harris years in Ontario, the above has to sound quit disturbing, especially Clement and Flaherty, who made that infamous quip about throwing the homeless in jail. Nice guy, huh?

Then there's Stockwell at the helm of Foreign Affairs. Enough said I think.

Bungle in the Jungle Hargrove style

Another major disastrous blunder by Dithers and team:

Buzz Hargrove sticks Martin's foot in his mouth for him.

Hmmm...Maybe Jack Layton is glad he lost the "Buzz factor" now :)

I think Martin's campaign has finally jumped the shark. These sort of embarrasing faut-pas mouthing-off episodes used to only happen to the Conservatives. Now, it seems the tables really have turned.

If you ask me, we may see a Harper majority and hell hasn't officially frozen over (but maybe Ottawa has).

It will soon be winter in Canada ... but summer in Alberta.

Harper's plan helps the "haves and have-mores"

Thinks the Conservative plan to eliminate captial gains tax is a good idea? While I admit, the part about individuals not having to pay tax on selling cottages etc...sounds enticing, really this change is only gonna benefit Harper's number one special interest group, namely the filthy rich (something like the wealthiest one per cent of Canadians). I mean, come on, even Bush wasn't able to pull something similar over on Americans a while back(even though he really wanted to).

Anyway, take a look at this argument for why cutting the capital gains tax is geared toward the, as Bush calls them, "haves and have-mores". While, the example is American, it pretty much will apply to what Harper has in store for Americanada. Yes, that's what our nation is gonna turn into once Harper takes over.

"Only 7 percent of all taxpayers report capital gains in any given year, and over two-thirds of the gains reported went to people making over $100,000 a year. Although it's true that most Americans own capital assets (like homes or businesses), they sell them only a few times in their life. The rich, on the other hand, make most of their annual income in capital gains, and deal in them constantly. That is why a capital gains tax cut would overwhelmingly benefit the rich."

(disclaimer: not that I'm saying Martin would do any better. In fact, this capital gains thing smacks of something Martin would also try to pull off as a gift to his fat cat friends if he had a majority, so it's not like I'm singling out Harper – it's just he's the one that suggested it).

I guess if Harper really wanted this to benefit the "average" Canadian (although I'm no expert on capital gains tax, so correct me if I'm wrong here), then he'd only eliminate capital gains on assets under $200,000 to throw out an arbritrary number. If you're going to be making, let's say, $1.2 million in capital gains (so basically, you aren't really lifting a finger for over a million), then you deserve to pay some sort of tax on it. Sorry.

How low can you go?

Damn, this election is getting negative to an unprecedented level. Even the independents are getting in on the action. Check out the screen captions from this new ad (above) by the Concerned Canadians Party (CCP).

Who hates Ticketbastard?

Anyone else had this happen?

You long onto Ticketbastard at the exact second tickets are supposedly onsale for a concert, yet they're all sold out within seconds?

Just this past weekend, I tried to get David Gilmour tickets. I went on the Ticketbastard site at 11:55am and kept constantly refreshing the screen until 12pm when it said tickets were on sale for the Massey Hall shows. I immediately tried to get 2 tickets only to find out both nights were already sold out.

What gives here? There's no physical way that all the tickets could have sold out in zero seconds flat. That's just not possible. Unless ... they really weren't offering any tickets unless you bought the "travel package" for $1500. Hmmm....

My only options at that point were 1) nothing 2) buy a pair of tickets off a broker site for between $500 and 700 USD. So, what did I do? Well, it didn't involve option 2) unfortunately because OF THE RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY THAT I REFUSE TO SPEND ON A CONCERT, EVEN IF I HAD IT WHICH I DON'T!

Hard to believe the stories from ppl of seeing Zeppelin in 1973 for $4.50. More like $450 these days. Argggghhh!

Guess the election has taken its tole

It's only been about a month, but I think they've all aged a bit ...

Now you see it, now you don't

There's been much debate during the past weeks about whether Jack Layton should shave his trademark soup-strainer. Well, I decided to use my trusty Photoshop skills to see what old Jack would look like sans-stache ...

Not sure which one works better. He does look a lot different though!

Nothing spells "winner" like the Expos!!

Chimp knows best?

I eat my shoe

Guess I have to eat my shoe about what I said re: Harper and Aboriginals.
It seems the Congress of Aboriginal Peoples has endorsed the CPC. Oops. Guess I'll have that shoe fried with some mustard ...

Fast Food For Thought

1)If Brian Mulroney ran against Pierre Trudeau today who would win?

2)How about if Sir Charles Tupper ran against Arthur Meighen?

Or 3)What about Sir Mackenzie Bowell vs Sir John Joseph Caldwell Abbott?

Haven't heard of either of them, have you? LOL If you can answer the second or third question, you have to be the smartest Canadian alive. I will, therefore, nominate you for a Genius Grant (although, I have to confess, I'm not exaclty in such good standing w/ the Genius ppl after the "incident").

Seriously, though, I wonder if Mulroney or Trudeau would win? Tough call really. I guess they were sort of from different eras/generations. Sort of like comparing apples and oranges. But which one is the apple and which one is the orange? hmmm...Or is one of them a grapefruit?
More on this later after I finish clapping with one hand.

Why I'm undecided and other random thoughts

A wise man (not a Canadian unfortunately) once said: Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Well, it seems Martin and Harper are the wise men (Ok, maybe "wise" men is more accurate) and Canada is the poor, unfortunate unicorn. Which works out well for Layton. A mustachiod unicorn is not a pretty sight. Trust me.

I think I've finally realized something substancial: This election if anything just proves how drastically dysfunctional confederation has become.

All the political parties have basically been reduced to "regional" entities. In general, Harper and the Tories represent the West, Martin and the Liberals represent Ontario, Gille and le Bloc of course Québec, and Layton seems to best represent downtown Toronto (even though Manitoba and Saskatchewan have NDP Premiers, I can't Latyon's message really resonating with voters n either province because it really strikes me, someone from the GTA, as a very urban Toronto message). And if you want to get picky, I guess the Greens take Vancouver to some tiny extent. Where does this leave the Atlantic provinces and the territories? Not sure really (more on that later).

We have become a country of regional blocs. How is that healthy? Honestly, this election is sort of pointless in the sense of coming to a national consensus about the eventual winning party.

Because whether the Grits, the Tories or the Sex Party wins the election, whole provinces will feel very left out. Notice how you keep reading things like, "This whole election outcomes depends on the voters in Ontario voting Liberal or Conservative". Wouldn't you feel kind of ignored if you lived in PEI? (well, then again PEI may not be the best example because of its...uh...size and all, but you get my drift).

I dunno, maybe it's always been like this (or maybe it's gradually gotten this way) but it seems to me that more and more the Canadian electorate is getting distilled along regional lines.

People always talk about the Liberals representing Ontario/Federalist Quebec, the Tories Alberta etc...I never remember hearing that sort of thing in the '80s when Mulroney was PM. Although, that could have been because I was 6-years old when Brian was king. hmmmm....

Oh, here's a random thought: Don't today's music videos in general really, really suck? I WANT MY '80S MTV! not that I watched it. I watched MuchMusic but no one ever wrote that into a the lyrics of a song (as far as I know).

Could Gille be Canada's Fearless Leader?

Don't think Gille Duceppe could be Canada's next Prime Minister? It could happen. In fact, it's entirely mathematically possible. Let me demonstrate:

There's 308 ridings in Canada. Let's say the Bloc Qébecois wins 70 out of Quebec's 75 seats (realistic considering the current popularity of the Bloc). So now assume that there are lots of pissed off, undecided voters, so things gets split rather evenly between the three other parties. So give them 69 seats each. That leaves 31 seats. Assume that there are so many completely disaffected, cynical voters out there that the Green Party gets 28 seats. Then the remaining 3 seats go to independents.

Let's look at the grand total again:
Conservatives: 69
Liberals: 69
NDP: 69
Bloc Québecois: 70
Green Party: 28
Independent: 3

So, guess who's Canada's next PM? I'll give you two hints:
1) He's not much of a fan of English
2) His main mandate as PM would be to get the hell out of Canada

If you still haven't guessed the right answer, I'll just assume that you vote Marijuana Party.

I'm just a normal guy; really I am – they told me so at the Calgary think tank that built me from spare parts

Among other things, Harper would re-open missile defense, scrap Kyoto and rip up a $5 billion aboriginal deal?

Does he really need a "hidden agenda"? I also love how he keeps claiming that he relates to "working families". Well, unless he's referring to working families where one of the income earners takes in more than $200,000 a year (Harper makes about $150,000 as an MP plus about $70,000 for being leader of the opposition), I'm not really sure what he's getting at.

At leats Mr. Dithers doesn't constantly brag about being in touch with "working families" and "middle class Canadians". I guess, technically, making over $220,000 a year does put you squarely in the upper tear of the middle class, but the average "working" "middle class" Canadian makes nowhwere near that amount. I can't stand how Harper constantly talks about "struggling" to save up for his children's education etc.... Uh, where to, Harvard?

At least Martin makes no bones about being a multi-millionaire shipping tyocoon. You never hear him claiming that he can relate to your financial woes because he and Sheila had to "scrape the money together for a new oven". I can't believe people buy Harper's populist act – it's almost as believable as Bush's cowboy/air force pilot routine. And at least that's full of slapstick-style yuuks. Harper's just plain not funny. And that's why we need Chrétien back.

Campaign from the left, rule from the right

Is Martin a neo-Tory in Grit's clothing?

"Still, the most effective party leader is Gilles Duceppe. He summed up Martin pretty well when he said he sounds like the NDP when he's campaigning for votes, but is like the Conservatives when he's running the government."

Exactly! The emperor's new clothes are much more blue than most would assume, aren't they? which just makes this election all the more irrelevent ...

"Meet the new boss
Same as the old boss"
– Pete Townshend

Sorry, criminal code of Canada: It's Pacer time, baby!

I've decided the Kia is out. Not because I don't think my vote's worth the magnificent Magentis or the spectacular Spectra, but because I learned to drive with my Dad's old Hyundai. Let's just say, I'm not in the mood for a repeat of the"Hyundai years" all over again (anyone else have an early-90s Hyundai that featured paint pealing randomly off the hood even though it was only two years old? My friend's father's Hyundai also featured this "unique" paint job LOL). I had lots of fantasical adventures in the Hyundai, including the time it stalled in the middle of a busy intersection on a hill while I was driving through a yellow light. Yes, those were really the days.

I'm now selling my vote for a 1975 AMC Pacer. Why? Well, the Pacer (1975-80) is ranked as one of the worst cars of all-time. Yes, it's even worse than the AMC Gremlin or the Chevette. Now, that's bad. Supposedly, the Pacer makes the Lada look like a Jag. No joke.

I figure that since this election is so fraught with irony (a multi-millionaire shipping tycoon whose business uses loopholes to pay literally no Canadian taxes and a right-wing tax and social program hating zealot who in the past has openly procclaimed his dislike of "second rate" Canada and it's "socialist" values, each claiming that they are the more patriotic Canadian) that I might as well join in.

If you're interested and you *hypothetically own a 1975 (or even a '76 or '77) AMC Pacer then meet me over at http://buymyvote.ca/ and we'll do business. The high bid on a '76 Pacer at eBay is currently C $1,569.78.

I think buying my vote for $1500 is more than worth it, but if you feel that price is a bit steep, for a limited time only, I'll also throw in a genuine American absentee ballot (I'm a dual citizen) for the 2004 US election.

I still haven't received mine yet (hmmmm...let's see, I registered on a Democratic Party-affiliated website who then contacted the proper office in Michigan – a potential swing state – interesting how I still haven't received my ballot yet...). Anyway, I expect it any day now. Once I get it, you can tell me who to vote for. I'll even send it in!

*Hypothetically speaking only of course – because selling your vote is a crime in Canada, and I take crime almost as seriously as I take the AMC Pacer, of which I will soon be the proud owner. Hopefully, not in that puke green colour that was so popular with crap-ass compacts of the '70s.

A Porsche, a Kia and Jack Layton's mustache

So it's come down to this...

Because I don't see much of a difference between the tax-cut and spin Liberals and Conservatives, and the NDP never gets any votes in my 905-land rididng, and because the Green Party's "neo-conservative conservation" platform seems straight out of the Republican playbook, I HAVE NO ONE TO VOTE FOR.

Yes, that's right. And there is no Santa Claus either. Sorry, kids. He's just an old fat drunk in a rented red suit. Even the beard is fake. As fake as Scary Stephen's 180 degree ideological makeover this election, that is.

So, like thousands of other Canadians, I've decided to consider selling my vote.

http://www.buymyvote.ca/

Hey, maybe I could make a few bucks off what is otherwise, this time, a worthless vote. I mean, whether I vote Grit or Tory, the rich are gonna get richer and the middle class is gonna continue to shrink, right?

Call me a cynic, but I might as well use my vote strategically. But not in the sense that usually means, in a normal election. Seriously, here, we're just gonna end up with another lame duck (that's "canard fou" in Quebec) minority government that will fall in a year or less anyway. I'll be surpriseed if voter turnout is over 10 per cent.

Although the Porsche would be nice, I'm not so sure I could afford the insurance or the maintenance costs. Maybe I'll go for a nice Kia instead. I'm told the 2006 Kia line has spark plugs.

To be continued when I figure out what to get for my vote...

And you thought Brian Mulroney had a potty mouth?

...And I quote:

During his years in Finance, Martin's temper was legendary. His tirades were called "beatings" by members of his staff. On one occasion, an aide contradicted him by quoting the 1993 Liberal campaign platform, known as the Red Book. Martin responded by saying, "Screw the Red Book ... Don't tell me what's in the Red Book. I wrote the goddamned thing. And I know that it's a lot of crap."

Paul Martin Bio
(Source: Double Vision: The Inside Story of The Liberals in Power, by E. Greenspon & T. Wilson-Smith.)

Tabarnac! Could Gille be Canada's next PM?

An interview with Bloc Québecois leader, Gille Duceppe...

Me: Gille, what do you think your chances are of becoming Canada's next Prime Minister?

Gille: Pardon, connard?

Me: Uh...you're running in the upcoming federal election for Prime Minster, aren't you?

Gille: Maudite! Certainment pas.

Me: The leader of the federal party that gets the most seats in this election becomes the next PM. You're running in this election as the leader of the Bloc Québecois, right?.

Gille: Face de pet! My goal is the make all the Liberals dissappear so that Quebec can become a sovereign nation that makes use of Canadian currency, Canadian citizenship and Candian federal transfer payments. But, as a separate country of course.

Me: So what exactly happens if you become PM then?

Gille: S'en câlicer. Doesn't the PM get a cool house? Maybe I could move it to Quebec on a flatbed truck.

Me: Is that really a realistic idea?

Gille: Pourquoi tu parles en trou de cul de poule?

Me: Ok. I think this conversation is over.

Gille: Mange mes combinaison!

**Disclaimer: While this conversation could have realistically taken place, in reality it occurred only inside my head. All the cursing should have tipped you off...

Jack And Gille by Mother Grit

Jack And Gille went up the Parliament Hill to fetch a pail of votes
Jack fell down with a crash and broke his mustache
And Gille came tumbling after.
When up got Jack, and off did trot
As fast as he could campaign
To old Dame Olivia, who patched his stache
But still no one paid attention

Two more reasons to vote for Duceppe...

Yesterday, I found out two things:

1)Paul Martin's Candian Steampship Lines uses a tax loophole to pay only 2% corporate tax to the Canadian government by replacing the Canadian flag with that of the Bahamas on company ships:

The Bahamas is a “flag of convenience” country with lower labour standards..."according to http://www.cbc.ca/disclosure/archives/030401_csl/flags.html

The ships operate as "sweat-ships" where workers (along with the Canadian flags and the name of Martin's father on one of the ships, all the Canadian crews were replaced with crews from countries with low labour standards such as Indonesia) earn between $1 and $2 per hour and are denied overtime pay. CSL's senior vice president claims CSL is "required" to do this to remain competitive.

2) Stephen Harper is writing a book about hockey.

CONCLUSION: I'm still uncertain about which of the above is more disturbing. I just hope that if on the odd chance Harper actually becomes PM and his book is published, he spares the Canadian public the humiliation of having to see pictures of him attempting to robotically skate around a hockey rink decked up in a Flames uniform.