The Night Before The Christmas Election

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all
through the parliamentary House
Not a Liberal was stirring, not even a mouse
The tax cuts were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes they would make St. Harper pull out his finely groomed hair

The voters were nesled all snug in their beds
While visions of Paul Martin danced in their heads (Ewwww!)
And Layton in his 'kerchief, and Gille in his fleur-de-lis cap
Had just settled down for a mid-election nap

When out on the Parliament Building lawn there arose such a clatter,
They sprang from their beds to see what was the matter
Away to the window they flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw aside the stash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to electorate-pandering promises below,
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniture sleigh full of popcorn and beer

With a stiff, aloof driver, with hair so even
They knew in a moment it must be St. Stephen
More rapid than eagles his curses they came,
And he grimaced and said Paul Martin was to blame

"Now, Preston! now, Stockwell! now, Harris and that Stronach vixen!
On Bush! On Klein! on, Mulroney and Nixon!
To the top of the conservative party! to the top of the Alberta firewall!
Now taxes away! taxes away! taxes away all!"

As dry heaves that before the pointless election fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, "It's all Belinda's fault!" they cry,
So up to 24 Sussex drive, Harper's sketchy promises they flew,
With a Conservative slate full of neo-cons, and St. Harper too.

And then, in a twinking, Paul Martin heard on his roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As he drew in his hand, and was turning around,
Down the the chimney St. Harper came with a bound.

He was dressed all in blue, from his pointy head to his foot,
And his Sears suit was all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of hidden spending cuts he had flung on his back,
And he looked like an zealous neo-con peddler just opening his libertarian pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his intentions how scary!
His cheeks were like Alberta oil wells, his attitude like a sour cherry
His real little agenda was drawn up like it was progressive
But his planned tax cutting was ridiculously excessive

The stump speech he held tight in his hands,
And he kept referring to drilling in the Alberta oil sands
He had a broad platform and a little round of GST cuts,
That fell apart when he laughed like he was completely nuts

He was meanspirited and wooden, all right-wing and sinister
And they laughed when they saw him, in spite of the has-been Prime Minister
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know Canadians had everything to dread;

He spoke not his word, but went straight to his hidden work,
And secretly promised to fill all the corporate coffers because he's really a jerk,
And laying his fingers aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the corporate ladder he rose.

He quickly blowdried and combed his hair and then sprang to his slate
And away they flew thinking this was the dawn of the 51st state
But they heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy election to all, and to the Canada we all know a goodnight."

Take my Canadian election, please!

Just why am I undecided on who to vote for in Canadian Winter Election 2006 (aka Dr. Strangeliberal or: How To Stop Worrying And Love Canada's One Party System)? The first election I can recall is the one where good old Jean promised to "get rid of da GST, eh." Wonder why I'm so cynical about elections. Hmmmm.....

Well, you know how politicians come election time always trot out that worn-out old saying, "This election is really about choice"? Well, this one isn't. It's more about the same redundant choice that doesn't matter one bit. Seriously, like every election, who besides the Liberals stands a chance of winning any votes outside of Quebec or Alberta? And who can blame everyone outside of Quebec and Alberta for voting Liberal since the other parties are about as appealing as pealing paint.

To paraphrase Shakespeare, "There is something rotten in the 51st state of Canada"; and that something is the stench of every party pandering to so many interests you'd think our politicians have come down with a case of pre-election attention deficit disorder. See, it's bad enough that the Prime Minister recently came out with a mildly idiotic statement about creating a new anti-gun violence initiative that would make already-illegal handguns illegal, to which Harper countered with his plan to make "illegal government sponsorship scandals" illegal.

To make things even more moronic, the National Rifle Association (motto: Guns don't kill people, technically it's the bullets) is now actively campaigning for Harper, along with American arch-religious conservative and general political wacko Ralph Reed, director of the Christian Coalition.

But it only gets nauseatingly worse. How many times have the Liberals campaigned on their supposed "national daycare program" – a program that after countless election promises doesn't, as far as I know, seem to exist? I actually think I remember seeing a clip of Mackenzie King talking about it in a TV documentary.

And it's downright absurd how Stephen "All taxes are evil" Harper (just where does Harper think his MP's salary comes from exactly?) counters the Liberal national daycare proposal with the usual conservative drivel about how the "private sector" always does things better than government. Harper's so-called plan is to give parents the Scrooge-worthy measly sum of $1200 per year to pay for daycare. I did some investigating. Remember Stockwell Day? Well, his parents sent him to $1200 a year daycare. Enough said.

The reason I'll probably remain undecided is because none of the leaders seem to be speaking out on what's important to average Canadians. They're more concerned with getting elected, which ironically is supposed to involve pandering to what's important to average Canadians.

Frankly, Harper is so out of touch, it's scary. Even fellow tax-hatin' Albertan Ralph Klein won't throw his support behind the Conservative leader, a man whose wooden, almost automaton-like nature would normally make him a shoe-in – if he were running for president of the chess club.

Honestly, there really is something mildy hypnotic about Stephen Harper's hair and I am afraid that if I stare too long at it during the upcoming debates, I may go into a conservative-induced trance and vote for him without realizing it, so I am thinking of skipping the debates all together and watching something more interesting, like the static channel.

It's bad enough that this election seems to be about nothing concrete. Even worse, there is more electorate sucking up and flip-flopping than I've ever seen before. First, Jack Layton says he's against all private health care (well, I guess dentists have to go then; sorry kids, you'll have to go through high school with rotting teeth and overbites), then he does an astonishing about face and relents; now, Layton says he's really for it, but only in certain cases.

There's also Harper and Martin's tax cut proposals, which do not make one iota of sense. Oddly, Martin's tax cut seems geared toward the corporate elite and the upper class, while Harper's GST cut is actually much more progressive. But, wait! It gets better. Harper has many more tax cuts in mind. In fact, if he wins, he is considering abolishing taxes all-together and having the federal government just borrow money from Belinda Stronach's trust fund (Peter McKay assured him that she'll instantly switch back to the Conservatives once he crushes Martin and becomes Canada's Liberal slaying saviour).

Oh yes, and I really thought long and hard (ok, for about an hour while watching the Leafs) about voting for the Green Party. However, after investigating them a bit, I was left with the puzzling conclusion that they are not really a left wing environmental party at all; but instead an extreme right wing, pro-business and rich people, Republican style party that is obsessed with chopping important government social programs (or as they call them "waste"). Even more misleading, the "eco-conservative" Greens have an environmental platform made up of voluntary industry regulations akin to Bush's Orwellian "Clear Skies" initiative. Also, the Green Party is led by a former corporate lobbyist whose last name is "Harris". If that's not a bad omen, I don't know what is.....