Bush said to be mulling over authorizing "third-rate burglary"

WASHINGTON DC (Associated Mess) – A senior source within the Bush administration contends that President Bush is considering a secret operation to break into Democratic National Headquarters in the Watergate Hotel in Washington DC some time before the November mid-term elections.

The source said that the president is desperate to make sure that the Democrats do not have any dirt on him that could possibly be used to gain leverage against Republican candidates in the upcoming elections. The Democrats are expected to do extremely well, possibly retaking the Senate from the GOP, because of Bush's extremely low approval rating, the war in Iraq, and the backlash from the way the president handled the aftermath of Katrina. There is a strong possibility that a Democratic takeover of Congress could mean an impeachment for Bush.

The Democratic Headquarters burglary is to involve a team of five men, former CIA and former Bush campaign staff who would be hard to directly trace back to the president. They will break into Democratic Party Headquarters in Washington DC disguised as garden-variety burglars, and if they are caught by the police are supposed to deny all knowledge of the crime, or in an emergency situation say that they were ordered to conduct it by disgraced former White House staffer Scooter Libby. The men are to be paid with non-traceable checks through an election year slush fund set up by White House advisor Karl Rove from money secretly donated by several oil industry CEOs.

"The plan is basically a go at this point," the source said. "Rove just needs to give the order and it's all set. Bush doesn't want to know the specifics in case things backfire, so he told Rove to handle everything. That's also why Bush ordered Rove to make it look like a third-rate burglary, to cover up the real reason for the break-in."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was shown the plan and thought it was a very good idea that it reminded him of the "good old days" when he was part of the Nixon administration, an aid to Rumsfeld confirmed.

"First of all, our headquarters has not been located in the Watergate Hotel for decades," said Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean. "Secondly, is Bush insane? I can't take this anymore. I'm going back to Vermont."

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan called the allegations "simply wild speculation" and added that while all options were currently being considered with regards to making sure that the Democrats do not get the upper hand come election time, the allegations were "purely just wild speculation and I can't stress the word 'speculation' enough".

"It's just wild speculation, by the way. What you're talking about is wild speculation. Which is, kind of a – you know, happens quite frequently here in the nation's capital," said President Bush. "Again, it's what we call in Texas, wild speculation. That's speculation that's of the wild type."

According to the source, the president is also considering the creation of a "plumbers" unit � a team with orders to plug leaks in the Bush administration with whatever means necessary. One of their first jobs will be to break into investigative journalist Seymour Hersch's dentist's office in order to find information that could be used to discredit the famed reporter. Hersch recently published an article in New Yorker magazine that contended that the Bush administration was seriously considering a nuclear attack on Iran's nuclear facilities in the coming months � the article made extensive use of anonymous sources inside the White House and the Pentagon.

"Well, Seymour does have a lot of cavities, and he doesn't do a very good job brushing sometimes, and I think he doesn't floss everyday like I tell him to," said Dr. Mark Steinberger, Hersch's dentist of 25 years. "But those cavities are all filled, so I'm not really sure what they are going to find in his records. Although, he does have a slight overbite. Maybe they might be able to use that for something. I just hope they don't completely trash my office. I have to see patients the next morning, and I can't do that with junk all over the place. I need to make a living here."

Chinese president causes confusion for Bush administration

WASHINGTON DC (Associated Mess) – Chinese President Hu Jintao was the cause of a frenzied search yesterday when Bush administration officials were unable to locate the visiting leader, who was supposed to fly to Seattle, Washington later in the evening.

Jintao was a no show at a midday press conference with President Bush and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, leaving both confused and embarrassed in front of a crowd of international media and dignitaries.

"Hu's in the Oval Office?" Rice asked Bush.

"No one. Hu's in the Capital Building," said Bush.

"I don't know. Some senators maybe?" asked Rice.

"Huh?" said Bush.

"Hu's in the Oval office?" repeated the Secretary of State.

"I don't know," said Bush. "Hu's in the Capital Building."

"Who's in the Capital Building?" asked Rice. "Why do you keep asking me that?"

"Yes, Hu's in the Capital Building," said Bush.

"Who cares," said Rice. "Hu's not here."

"Is who supposed to be here?" asked Bush.

"Hu," yelled Rice. "Hu is supposed to be here right now."

"I don't know, dammit, stop screaming at me, Condie," said Bush. "Now, who the heck are we talking about?"

"Hu," screamed an exsaperated Rice. "Who is supposed to be here at this press conference."

"I don't know. Don't look at me Condie," said Bush. "I'm not in charge of organizing."

"Hu is supposed to be here," repeated Rice.

"I think we are," said Bush. "But to get back to your earlier question, who's in the Oval Office right now?"

"Hu's in the Oval Office?" asked Rice. "Why isn't Hu here with us?"

"Who?" asked Bush.

"Hu," said Rice. "Who was supposed to be here."

"Maybe it was Rummy?" replied Bush. "By the way, Hu was supposed to be in the Capital Building."

"Like I said before, I have no clue," said Rice. "And anyway, who cares."

"I'm sure he does," said Bush. "Hu cares deeply about his visit to that historic building."

"I give up," said Rice. "Tell me?"

"Tell you what?" asked Bush.

"To who are you referring?" replied Rice.

"To Hu," said Bush.

"That's what I'm asking you," snapped Rice. "Who cares deeply about visiting the Capital Building?"

"That's really Hu's private business," said Bush.

"I don't know whose business that is, you tell me, Mr. President," said Rice. "And by the way, wasn't Hu supposed to be here by now?"

"Who are you talking about?" said Bush.

"Hu," yelled Rice. "Hu, Hu, Hu, Hu, Hu."

"I don't know, I give up," said Bush. "Tell me who it is."

The President's conversation with Rice went on for a reported two and a half hours before most of the assembled press and officials left when it started to rain. President Jintao never showed up.

Bush hires former Iraqi Minister of Information to replace McClellan

WASHINGTON DC (Associated Mess) – Shortly after White House press secretary Scott McClellan announced his resignation Wednesday, President Bush told the White House press corps that Iraq's former Minister of Information under Saddam Hussein, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, had been hired to fill the position.

"President Bush is the greatest and most popular president in the history of America," said al-Sahaf during his first press briefing. "His approval rating is currently at 238 percent and he enjoys widespread love all over the world for his generous and wise leadership and striking good looks."

He then thanked his friends and family for helping him achieve his dream of being the White House press secretary, something that he had fantasized about since he was a young boy growing up on the "streets of Los Angeles."

"I would like to recap the Great President's accomplishments so far, for all of you," added al-Sahaf. "Since September 11th, President Bush has captured Osama Bin Laden, crushed Al Qaeda and arrested every terrorist in the whole world. Iraq is now a thriving Jeffersonian democracy, a model for the whole world, even France. The Great President has also brokered peace between Israelis and Palestinians and spread democracy throughout Africa, the Middle East and Asia. The economy is also at record highs, America no longer has any outstanding debt or trade deficit, oil and gas prices are at all-time lows, and all Americans have never been wealthier or had better job security. I also must mention next week's launch by NASA of the first manned spacecraft to Mars. The Great President would also like to correct a factual error that keeps popping up in his biography. It is ridiculous to claim that his height is 5'11 or below. People look up to him, and not just because he is the greatest president in the history of civilization. He is actually 6'4 and weighs 270 pounds, all muscle. "

News of al-Sadaf's hiring immediately caused quite a stir throughout Washington, with some pundits questioning the wisdom of Bush giving such an important position to someone with so much baggage in his past, as well as a history of being a compulsive exaggerator.

The hiring of the former Minister of Information – best known for his sensational outbursts during the Invasion of Iraq and its immediate aftermath, in which he claimed Iraq was winning the war – caused some to question his ability to be as truthful as his predecessors, McClellan and Ari Fleischer.

"Isn't he the guy who as Iraq's Minister of Information, claimed that the Iraqi army had crushed the US military and taken back Baghdad Airport, and that a fake Saddam had been captured?" said Mary Klein, a former Democratic strategist. "Do you really need me to explain why this move is an incredibly bad idea?"

However, it is generally assumed that al-Sahaf will be given a chance to show what he can do in the position, as is the tradition with White House press secretaries.

"I really think we need to give the guy a chance," said Rush Limbaugh on FOX News' "Hannity and Coulter" program. "This move really shows that the president is intent on shaking up his administration, which has been doing an amazing job in every area, but needed to be made even more invincible, especially to counter the defeatest, socialist propaganda constantly being spat out by the blowhard Democrats lead by that witch Hillary Clinton. I now think Bush has the greatest White House team assembled since Abraham Lincoln or maybe since Jefferson."

According to a senior White House aid, Al-Sahaf had begun his tenure with a good start, with the president especially pleased by his performance in a late morning military briefing today to assembled military correspondents.

"The invasion of Iran will be quick and easy," said al-Sahaf. "The good people of Iran will put up no fight because they desperately want us to nuke their country so that their leadership will be humiliated and run away like scared little girls. And then we will re-install the Shah's heir as the rightful leader of Iran and there will be peace and prosperity throughout the region."

Nooooo! Say it ain't so!!!

Noooooo!!!!!