In Turin, they tested my urine

I've finally come up with the perfect Winter Olympic sport: the Nonathlon.

This grueling high-endurance sport combines nine exciting events that only the most physically fit (and probably mentally unfit) athletes would seek to train in all at once.

The cool thing is that it combines so much together, that it really removes the need to have multiple sports at the Olympics. One Nonathlon could replace them all.

The Nonathlon, which takes 45 minutes from start to finish, is as follows.

First, participants do the board-jump to start things off. That's a ski jump on a snowboard.

Second, it's ice fishing time.

Third, there's sharp shooting (you can't have an "athlon" even without sniper rifles, obviously).

Fourth, is the 4km speed skating event.

Fifth, tug of war on ice, with a huge pit of frozen lake water in the middle.

Sixth, figure skating.

Seventh, cross-country snowboarding (cross-country skiing on snowboards).

Eighth, hurling (a sport that combines curling with the log toss – use your imagination).

And finally, the ultimate finally, the two-person Skeleton. Yes, this is the same Skeleton that looks like upside down luging, but with two idiots crunched on top of each other, careening headfirst recklessly down a mountain slope at speeds in excess of 90 km/h.

Oddly, enough, I have a feeling the gold medal would go to any athlete who actually finishes the Nonathlon in one piece.