The Borino in Torino

I really cannot get into the Winter Olympics.

I'm not sure why but I think it has a lot to do with all the weird hybrid events, like the biathlon, triathlon, septathlon etc... that seem more like pseudo-made-up sports than feats of physical endurance that extraordinarily talented athletes spend years training for. Before you get angry (if you are one of those althletes who's sport combines sharp-shooting/skiing/scubadiving/NASCAR driving), I realize that those participating probably do spend years training for these events. It just strikes me as odd that the winter games are filled with sports that, outside Olympic competition, do not seem to exist.

Seriously, have you ever heard anyone say: "Gee, I can't believe my luck. Losing at the biathalon today at the community centre. Can you believe that I slipped on the wet floor tiles – they really should put up signs for that, you know – and my rifle accidentally went off while I was running toward the finish line? I sure hope that old woman is ok."

Don't they teach little kids from about the age of 2 or 3 that running with scissors is a bad idea? Shouldn't the same philosophy then, likewise, apply to RIFLES? Just a thought.

So, in honour of the Winter Borelympics, here are some sports that should be obvious choices if you ask me, but for some un-obvious reason (at least to myself), have not been included this year. The following would definitely add some much needed punch and excitement for the TV viewer:

1. Ice Fishing – Hey, it's more interesting than watching curling. First person to catch a fish who isn't passed out cold from boredom wins the gold!
2. Sharp Skating – A combination of figure skating and sharp shooting.
3. **Tug Of War
4. Blindfold Ski Jump – This one is self-explanatory.
5. Urine tests – As long as they aired this one late at night, I see no reason why they couldn't show athletes failing their random drug checks. And it would be much more suspenseful than any of the actual sports, especially when they test the snowboarding team. Trust me.
6. Tackle Curling – Uh, I'll leave this one up to the imagination.
7. Dog sled – I've always wondered why this sport is never included. Yes, there is the little problem that it takes several weeks to get from the starting line to the finish but I'm not suggesting broadcasting it live or anything. You could just show the highlights from the second week or so.
8. Speed Skating With Obscales – Speed Skating has always appeared too easy to my eyes, so why not add something challenging to the mix? Like, say, an angry bull or maybe cracking ice if it's done on a frozen pond. Or how about giving the speed skaters paintball guns? That might be fun.

Also, I think that the games should be done naked, like they used to do in Ancient Greece. What could be better than a bunch of athletes competing in sub-zero temperatures in their birthday suites, freezing their muscled bodies off? Ahhh, the best part for the audience would be watching the naked ski jump.

The worst part for the nude athletes? Besides growing icicles on their extremities? The two-person luge obviously. Or maybe the four-member bobsled. Talk about tight quarters...

**"Tug of war" was actually an olympic sport in the early 1900s. Seriously, I'm not joking. Although, I use the term "sport" loosely in this case. I'm also not sure if this was tug of war pitting one team against another, or if this was one team against a horse. Or what was in the pit. It could have been mud. Or creamed corn. And the athletes could have been naked. Well, probably not. But they could have been. No one watched the Olympics in 1912 because broadcasting did not exist yet, so we'll never know.

(Aside: Ok, now, no offense, but this sport is just idiotic. You have to have a major death wish to try this one. No wonder it's called "Skeleton".)